A Symposium on Bidets

Well! I’ll be dipped in dog shit for posting such as this but it ain’t my fault. With this Covid thing and all the idiocy, I thought I might amuse some of you with my unique male perspective on the subject.

Some of you know that my oldest daughter is in Egypt, teaching American History and Government to elite Egyptian kids, who will do their graduate work in the United States. At present she is quarantined like the rest of us but in a third world country. She has always been outgoing and free spirited and sought adventure. Good for her! I'm Proud of her! How many of you, after becoming an empty nester, would sell or give away all your stuff, then pack up and travel the world in search of “Whatever blows your skirt up” adventure?

Okay! Back to the subject, as noted above. I follow my daughter on Facebook and listen in on her and her friends, she has oodles of them. My daughter is ever the friend maker and has made acquaintances wherever she has gone and stays in touch with almost all of them. At present she has friends from New Zealand, Mexico, and Norway, not to mention the local Egyptian girls. She lives on an island in the middle of the Nile River, where all the Embassies are located. My daughter must adapt to other cultures and is ever the student of new things.

I have been all over the world, so I know about and have seen bidets in hotels around the world but more so in Europe. They aren’t rare in upscale accommodations but rarely found in local homes. In most Muslim countries I have visited, there is still the marble slab on the floor with places for your feet and just a hole. This is also common in Asia, China, Japan, Endo China, etc. Anywhere you have European, American, and Australian tourist or expats, you will find toilet seats and bidets. In other words, this was a new thing for my daughter.

To get to the point. I saw on Facebook that my daughter had ordered one for her mother for Mother’s Day and was shipping it to her via Amazon or whatever. I listened to her praise her newfound feminine gadget, giving accolades to its functions. Quite praiseworthy it was! I became amused as she instructed her mother how to use it. “Just lean forward with your knees together and it will hit the right spots” Ha!Ha! Yea!

It reminded me of a college joke from my teenage years. How do you brainwash a woman? Stomp on her douchebag! Okay! I just offended everyone, No Longer funny or applicable! I guess you could say” Turn up the pressure on her bidet!” Okay! Enough already! I’m a dang turd, I know!

The whole subject made me curious, so I did a search. Can men use Bidets? Are they taboo or forbidden for men being they have always been sort of a feminine hygiene thingy. I remember that bag hanging in the bathroom when I was a child. I don’t remember at what age I discovered its use.

Well! Getting back on topic. Everything I read on the Internet said, “It Was Delightful” and should be considered by all enlightened modern men. I remember a few contraptions that were advertised when there was no toilet paper. But seriously ya'll! No! With men, it would be like a backstop at a little league baseball game. All those wild pitches would be splattered on my ball sack. Yea! I hear you! Besides all the splatter, you still must dry, so do they come with blow dryers?

Hey! This is serious stuff here! We men aren’t worried about the feminine part, we want that washed and kept pristine. It’s where all we men lose ourselves. Only when we become older do our minds return from the head of our dicks back to upstairs, our cranium. Most of our adult lives we were mesmerized and would literally kill for that splendid orifice.

What concerns me is if you use it for what the Internet called “that pasty stuff that refuses to be wiped off” leaving hash marks in your underwear. Looking at it practically as a man would, “you are blowing poop up your toot” Just saying what we men are thinking! I still can’t quite comprehend what you do after using it. You are all wet so do you still use toilet paper to dry or pat your bun. That’s what the British call it, “your bun.” The internet used the word “backside” but I’ll just say “Your Arse!” Inquiring minds want to know?